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| The 1st Ryan Rainbow |
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Throughout this past week however, as it has happened before, I was overcome with the words and sentences, pieces to a blog post I knew I had to compose. However, as I sat to type these thoughts, they just didn’t feel or sound right as I read them back to myself. So I would close my computer and leave it for the next day. Friday, as Sam and I were at the gym, I was overwhelmed with the emotions of knowing what my post needed to focus on. I don’t know who it is, but I have this without a doubt certainty that someone reading this needs to know about my personal walk in faith. I cannot explain the way it came about or the way I truly feel called to write about it, but I know that it’s time. It’s probably no surprise to anyone that I teared up as I was working out on the elliptical. Thankfully Sam and I were the only people in the gym at the time and I didn’t have to be that weird girl crying during a workout. I told Sam that I needed to go home and write and he asked what kind of blog post it was going to be and without pause I knew, it would be a Ryan post.
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| Virginia, December 2015 |
This is where it gets hard and the tears well up, so be patient with me as I try to get this all down. Ryan was my husband’s best friend who I had the pleasure of knowing for all too short of a time. However, the profound impact Ryan has had on my life and others is just hard to encapsulate with words. In July of 2016, Sam and I traveled to Greenville, South Carolina to visit our friends in the area. The very last time I saw Ryan before his accident will never leave my mind. We’d had dinner at our friend Giovanni’s house and as usual it was a night of fun and catching up. It was supposed to be the last time we saw Ryan for awhile as he was preparing for an assignment in the Marines that would take him to 3 countries over the next 3 years. As we ended the night, I remember saying “okay.. well I’ll see you in 3 years..” and Ryan had some sarcastic response and dramatic eye roll before pulling me into a hug. Ryan was going to leave at the same time Sam and I did, but then he and Giovanni got into a discussion and we parted ways at the front door. It was one of those moments that stuck out to me even in the moment, not knowing the pain to come. Ryan and Giovanni walked back into the house, friends laughing about some joke that had been said. And that was that.
Three weeks later, I drove to the Ocean City, Maryland with friends to celebrate the birthday of another close friend. It would later dawn on me that this was of importance, as the birthday girl and I had gone to Sunday school together when we were little. We often reminisce on our connection before we became close friends in high school. As we neared the hotel we’d be spending the weekend at, Sam texted to say that Ryan had been in a car accident traveling back home after visiting family in Indiana. The extent of his injuries was unknown but his parents would be flying up to the hospital to find out more. I want to say that the next hours and days were a blur, but they so vividly engrained in my mind even now, two years later. You get gut feelings about things sometimes, and even at the first text about the accident from Sam I knew that something was not right, that Ryan was not okay. I remember standing on the hot sandy beach with so many happy people around me, and I was aching for my dear friend. A few hours later, Sam called, and if anyone knows me they know that unplanned phone calls always bring panic, because they usually bring bad news. This particular phone call broke a piece of my heart as Sam told me that Ryan would not survive his injuries.  |
| With us on our wedding day<3 |
The breath left my body as if it had been vacuumed out of me. Sam told me that Ryan's parents were waiting to take him off of life support in order for loved ones to get the chance to see him one last time. That grace, that beautiful selfless love they showed to us as they were about to lose one of their two sons brings fresh tears. A woman and her teenage daughter approached me in the parking lot as I was crying deep aching sobs, and again I felt the kindness that strangers can show even in this broken world of ours. I’d soon tell my friends upstairs how this loss for Sam would be equivalent to me losing my best friend Shawnee and I can barely hold back sobs even as I imagine that loss. I went on to spend the next hour or two on the phone with my step-mom who took time from visiting with her sister to help me find flights. Would I leave my car in Maryland and fly straight from the beach? Would I drive 4 hours home overnight and then fly out? Should I book a return flight? And when? Before I knew it, I was back in my car drinking energy drinks for the first time in my life as I drove back home to catch a flight only hours after I arrived home.
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| Our Marine's final flight<3 |
It was surreal when I landed in Indiana and waited for Sam’s flight to land. Then, we were in the hospital where we would spend the next day and a half surrounded by those who loved Ryan. We got to hear stories about him from family and friends and from his fellow Marines. It was in these moments that I truly felt the overwhelming goodness of true faith. It was in the moments when Ryan’s parents prepared us for what Ryan looked like hooked up to machines. It was in the moments where his parents and relatives were the ones to comfort us, his friends, and it seemed backwards to me then. We were supposed to be the strong ones, the ones to help them however we could, and yet his mom was pouring out herself to us, giving us all of her strength. All of this because of their undeniable faith that God had planned this for their son. This was part of His plan and of course there would be questions, there still are, but their faith never for one second wavered. I felt love in the actions of the local Marines who were assigned to facilitate everything needed during the time in Indiana. Sure, it was their assigned duty, but oh how gentle, kind, and caring they were. I felt love in meeting Ryan’s Sergeant when he arrived. He would later explain that though he wasn’t much older than Ryan, that the men in his unit become children of sorts and so in a way he was a father about to lose a son; yet he cared only for the needs and emotions of those around him. It was in the sweet thoughtful actions of the nurse who went out to the store and bought supplies to make a mold of Ryan’s hands for his parents to have something to hold onto after he died. It would soon be seen in the airport workers who stepped up when the local Marines were delayed in their trip the airport; these strangers ensured appropriate flight honors were given to this fallen Marine as he made his last flight home. And oh how I felt it in every prayer in those days and the days to follow.
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| Our last group gathering, June/July 2016 |
The afternoon after we arrived, many of us gathered in Ryan’s hospital room to see him one last time. Again, this was thanks to the kindness and compassion of the hospital staff, as intensive care units often only let 1-2 visitors in at a time. A few hours later, Sam and I boarded a plane to Pennsylvania and ours lives have not been the same since. The love and connection that Sam and I had before Ryan’s death became so much stronger and certain. Our appreciation for life and what it has to offer grew as did our knowledge of the fragility of life. And while Sam was certain in his faith, I had until this point never truly known what my beliefs were. However, after leaving the hospital that day, as I boarded a plane and left a piece of myself in Indiana, I was overcome with a serenity and peace that only God’s presence can provide. This would only continue to strengthen in the days to come, as we processed Ryan’s death and grieved in our own way. Sam and I took an approach that centered on living life for Ryan. We got outside and explored new places. We went to Hershey Park to feel adrenaline, and I celebrated my birthday with friends. This wasn’t the first time I’d been through the grieving process during a birthday, as my grandmother passed away 2 days before my 21st birthday. Again, those who know me know that the week of my birthday is often emotional. Ryan died on the 17th, Grammy died on the 19th, and my birthday is the 21st. July 15th and 23rd bring anxiety to me as I irrationally fear that another loved one will die on those days. And yet, I know that Ryan would be so unhappy with me if I spent my birthday at home crying, so I went out and was shown care and love by my friends.
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| Ryan Rainbow at our wedding<3 |
Ryan’s funeral was held about a week after he died, I don’t remember the timeline exactly. But again, I felt the certainty of the believers in Ryan’s life. More powerful was what I would later learn, but that was a result of Ryan’s passing and the faith his family had gracefully shown. Men who had not believed in God or who had not yet walked in faith, were turned to faith as a result of what they witnessed during this difficult time. I was a believer and yet I still was taken by surprise at how unsteady my faith really was, how skewed my views were until this point. I cannot imagine the overwhelming storm of emotions that would be brought on for someone who didn’t use to believe to be turned to a believer. I certainly do not claim to know God’s plan or why he chose this for Ryan when He did. However, knowing my own journey in faith as a result of this, I can only imagine the lives Ryan spiritually impacted in his lifetime, but especially in his death. I have to believe that part of God’s reason for taking Ryan from us so early was to help those of us who were shaken in our faith or who didn’t have faith at all beforehand.
Since Ryan’s death, two summers ago, I have truly found where I stand as a believer. I always used to be overwhelmed and intimidated by the Bible because how was I, someone who used to go to Sunday school as a child, but who was now and adult who hadn’t been to church in years supposed to know where to start? I never wanted to ask for help because it would reveal how little I knew, how “uncultured” I was in terms of biblical stories and bible verses. My first tattoo was a bible verse that helped me get through my grandmother’s death, but oh what new meaning it has to me now that I’ve delved into the Bible. And I gained that meaning by humbling myself and asking for help. I probably cried in frustration to Sam as I explained my inability to personalize my faith as we lived in rural Alaska. How was I supposed to learn if I couldn’t go to church on Sundays? And Sam, ever so patient, dug out some bible studies he’d had from high school. Here I was a 24-year-old learning from a teen bible study. But that’s what I needed. That’s what it took to get me to open the Bible. In the past 2 years, I have gradually worked my way up to "big kid" bible studies, and I now open my bible confidently and with excitement most days. I don’t feel so lost anymore at church when the preacher talks about David or Mary or this event or that. I know that the Joseph whose story I so love in the Old Testament is in fact different from Mary’s Joseph in the New Testament. I’m no longer nervous to admit struggles or ask for help in deciphering verses or biblical events during my studies. I no longer hesitate to ask my father-in-law for help when Sam isn’t able to answer my questions. I have a long way to go, but I owe all that I know and the motivation I have to one of the worst moments in my life. To be honest, I find some sense of beautiful irony in it all. It took the tragic unexpected death of my 27-year-old friend to bring me to God. And I know that Ryan would love to take credit for the facts of the matter. 
As I said many paragraphs ago, I write based on feelings and there was such a strong feeling pulling me to share this. Maybe it won’t help anyone, but maybe it’ll plant the seed in someone’s head. Maybe it’ll help someone open their bible, visit a church, or say a prayer. What I do know is it was cathartic for me to finally write about Ryan and to attribute my newfound walk in faith to him. Maybe I’m the person who needed to read this post, maybe it’s my final acceptance of Ryan’s death.
Another thing I know is that I’m an Instagram-loving dog Mom who swears too much and who enjoys Tequila. But I also know that my day isn’t complete without working on my latest bible study (I’m working on the letters of John right now). I still prefer Sam to pray because I get shy when I pray out loud. I have worship music shuffled in with Taylor Swift and Luke Bryan. I pray each morning in the parking lot at school. I am nowhere near perfect and I am never going to try to shove religion down someone’s throat (unless this post counts as that, but I promise that’s the only time I’ll do it). However, I will no longer be afraid to share about my journey in faith and I am going to try to be more confident in sticking up for my faith when the situations call for it. I’m a work in progress, but isn’t that one thing we all have in common?
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| The most perfect Ryan Rainbow<3 |
About two months after Ryan died, I saw my first “Ryan Rainbow”. We were out on a Honda ride and there was a perfect, complete rainbow behind us. I made Sam turn around and said “it’s Ryan, he’s here with us on today’s adventure”. Since then, Ryan's mom, Pam, and I have sent photos of rainbows back and forth and often comment on how they appear just when we need to feel Ryan’s presence. It rained on my wedding day in August, and I told the photographer it was of highest priority to capture a rainbow if one showed up at any point. Wouldn’t you know that as our ceremony ended, we walked out to see a bright, complete rainbow shining over the tree farm. It was just as beautiful as the first Ryan Rainbow and I felt his presence there on our special day. I hope you’ll think of Ryan the next time you see a rainbow, because even if you didn’t know him, you can rest assured that he’d go out of his way to show you beauty in the world.
I’ll be praying for you, my reader, with love and gratitude for your continued support of my long-winded wordy posts.
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