When in Doubt, Dance Party

Today was one of those days where the weather couldn’t decide what it wanted to do. One second it was rainy and the next it was sunny. I left the room for I’m not even joking one minute and I came back and all I could see was white out my windows. In the time that it took me to go to the other room, fog had taken over PIP. A few minutes later, as if it had never been there, the fog was gone and the sun was back out. 

Much like the weather, my brain was having one of those days where it just couldn’t decide what it wanted to do. I sat down to work on lesson plans this morning and before I knew it, it was mid-afternoon and I was still sitting at my table doing schoolwork. My Sunday had slipped away as I did work. I was feeling frustrated, but then I also had one of those moments where I thought “well if I wasn’t lesson planning, what else would I be doing?”. Thus began my wallowing in self pity.. There was a brief period in there when I saw a rainbow and it turned my whole day around. I also talked with some friends which made me happy and sad at the same time. I’m laughing now as I think about how I spent my afternoon in a mess of emotions as I still continued to update grades and plan lessons. They always say that your emotions transfer into the food you cook; well I sure hope the same doesn’t hold true with lessons because this weeks will be all over the place. 

Needless to say, by the time I skyped with my dad a few hours later, I was an emotional wreck. In a way that only dads can do, he spent half an hour giving me his best pep talk. After I talked to him, I decided to take back my Sunday. I hit the kitchen to make myself dinner and prepped my workout clothes so I can get over to the school for a mind-clearing run later. Then I did what my friend told me should happen everyday. I had a dance party in my kitchen. If anyone who lives in the house across the lake was looking out their windows, they definitely saw me “shaking it off” to some T-swift. I regret nothing. It’s never to late to turn a gloomy day into a sunny one. Here’s to remembering that you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain:)

Lights On, Lights Off

I haven’t written in a few days so I thought I would tackle a topic on the list of “blogs to write at some point”. Seeing as how it’s currently raining as I type this, it might be the perfect time to post about this topic. Living in a village certainly has its quirks. From having to call someone 5 times throughout any given conversation to specified 2 hour windows in which you can get gas and only getting mail three days a week, the list goes on an on. Many of these things I can work around. If I drop a call I just move across my house and redial, I don’t ever need to get gas, and I plan my trips to the post office religiously around the plan schedule. There is one thing that I cannot control however and that is power outages.

One of the things that can put a kink into daily routines is the lights going out, which happens more often than you might think. We’ve been lucky recently and haven’t had too many outages, but when I first got here I quickly got used to working with the emergency lights on. It seemed like we lost power at least once a day. Luckily we haven’t had an incredibly long blackout, yet.. With the storm that’s coming in the next couple days I’m sure we’ll be losing power for a bit. Most of the times, thankfully, the lights kick back on within a few minutes. 

However short the power outage is, my students are just like any other kids when the lights go out. They freak out for a split second and then get more excited than the situation calls for. One of these times I think I’m going to plan an “outage” just so we can get together to tell scary stories (they’d be over the moon about this). Needless to say, it disrupts our classroom routine and takes me at least 10-15 minutes just to get them refocused. Worse things could happen so I will gladly take all of these power outages any day (just as long as the lights come on before the sun goes away for the day). Just another day in the life of a teacher in a village! 

Just Put One Foot in Front of the Other

When I got to school yesterday morning and looked down at my lesson plans, I was so happy I could cry (I’m actually proud of myself for not crying thank you very much). What I saw staring back at me was a full week’s worth of plans. I think we all remember when it was an accomplishment for me to have a week’s worth of reading prepared. What I had yesterday though was reading, math, social studies, employability, and PEP lessons planned out; for each of my many levels and students. For an entire week! 

It’s crazy to think that just two months ago I thought I would never get a handle on all the lessons and subjects to plan for. Of course my plans are never set in stone because you don’t know who might not show up or what lessons will take re-teaching. But I also know that what I don’t get through this week will carry over into next week, and that’s okay! Some days I might not feel like it, but one day at a time I’m getting a hang of this teaching thing. 

Saving Daylight and Other Sunday Shenanigans

Quite a few people from home have asked me the same questions over the past few days; “do you guys have daylight savings time?”. I just wanted to write a quick post to confirm that yes, we do take part in daylight savings time in Alaska. On Sunday morning, instead of the sun starting to come up at around 9:15, it was showing signs of its approach by a little after 8:00.

Not one to pass up the PIP views on a clear morning, I quickly decided to start my morning off watching the sunrise. There is a small hill right behind the school that I walked up to get the best view of the mountains. I think it’s pretty safe to say that I was the only one out and about at this time, and I didn’t mind that at all. Watching the sky change colors as the sun started to come up from behind the mountains was breath-taking. 

Even without the sunrise the mountains alone are an amazing sight to see. Each day the snow line gets lower and lower and the mountains get more and more beautiful. Add to this the sun hiding behind them and it was almost too good to be true. Not even the best picture I took could capture what I really got to see (this is the same for most pictures I take out here). It was 8:55 by the time the sun finally peeked out from behind the mountains and I couldn’t help but look around me in awe. It was just another instance of the  “I can’t believe I really live in Alaska” feeling. While I couldn’t feel my fingers, I didn’t mind because this was the best spent hour of my weekend.

Even out in the villages its all too easy to get caught up in your work and you can easily miss out on things going on around you. I have to stop and remind myself of the amazing things happening outside of my windows. Just yesterday my students and I stopped class to watch a fox walking around outside (He’s always around and I plan to tame him and make him my pet..). It’s nice to live in a place where you can do that and it gives the students a chance to become teachers; they love when I ask them questions about things they know more about than I do. 

So on Sunday morning, I was all too happy to lose feeling in my fingers to snap some (okay way too many) pictures of the sunrise. My afternoon was spent taking Anya for a walk and collecting three of my students along the way. The boys and I walked along the beach where they filled my pockets with rocks and pumice that they thought I should have. They had so much fun running up and down the beach trying to compete with each other to find me the most unique stones. When I thought my pockets were going to rip from being so full, I took the boys  and Anya back to their respective homes.  It’s all about the taking the time to enjoy the little things:)

Freaky Friday

Another week has come to a close and I can say that this has been our best Friday yet:) We started our Halloween off with a nice snow shower that ended up continuing into the afternoon. It just wouldn’t be Alaska if it weren’t snowing on Halloween! Sadly as I write this, the snow has already melted and the remnants are slush and ice. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted!

As for the rest of our day, it was filled with nothing but tricks and treats (alright so there was some actually learning thrown in there too).  I started off my morning by freaking my kids out with my mustache that "appeared out of nowhere". I swear these kids fall for everything and I had them convinced them for 20 minutes that it was real. From the moment they walked int the door I kept mentioning that my face was ichy and then when they weren't looking, I stuck on the mustache. If I could have captured their reactions to my turning back to look at them it would have been perfect. I continued on with class and then I started quietly handing out mustaches to them as well. One of my third graders was so freaked out by the time I got one on her face. Oh we laughed so hard and I’m smiling just thinking about it now. 

Our day got even better this afternoon when we gathered all of the kids up and showed them the movie "Halloweentown". While this movie defines my childhood Halloweens, not one of my kids had seen it! They all loved it which I figured they would. As we were watching, I brought out jelly-beans that my aunt had sent. They are the Harry Potter ones where there are two that look the same but one is a good flavor and one is gross (i.e. black could be licorice or skunk spray).. The kids were so funny as they bit into them. My sixth grader almost threw up twice which I felt bad about, but he kept coming back for more. Their faces were priceless and I will not soon forget them. These I got on camera and you can tell who got good flavors and who didn't get so lucky..

Tonight, the village had a haunted house set up in the town office.  While I wasn’t expecting it to be much, it was actually pretty great. The kids all had a blast and I even got scared which they enjoyed. They got to break a piñata and go bobbing for apples too! It was great to see them all dressed up in their costumes, hopped up on sugar, knowing that I wouldn’t have to deal with them afterwards:) Then I came home where I am currently waiting for the last of the trick-or-treaters. They are so adorable in their costumes and they all act like I didn’t just see them twenty minutes ago.

One of the best parts of my day was knowing that I got to open up three letters that my aunt, sister, and best friend had sent that were designated for today. I have their cards hanging on my wall and sometimes it’s so hard to wait until the set dates to open them, but I’ve been good. I opened the one from my aunt and best friend in the morning and saved Nikki’s for tonight. Being away from home is really hard, especially on special days like today, but it helps having letters and notes from home.

All in all, I could not have asked for a more exciting Halloween. I got to spend the day with some of the sweetest kids and it doesn't get much better than that. My 9th grader even came to my house to trick-or-treat and she seemed happy to see me (it must be the sugar) so I can't ask for much more! Hopefully all of the excitement from today will lead into a fun-filled weekend (of doing what, I have no idea, but I hope it involves more than watching movies in my house)!

Another One in the Books!

I can officially add parent teacher conferences to the list of things I have survived as a first year teacher! Granted, I only had four families show up, but they were conferences nonetheless. Also, to be fair I have multiple kids from each family, so I had seven different conferences by the end of it.While I was really nervous as I prepared for them, I could not have asked for them to go more smoothly. 

Just like so many things out here, conferences go a bit differently than in the lower 48. One of the moms joked that they should be called parent-teacher-student conferences. This is because we have the students come in on the conferences so they can hear how they are doing. They are also able to share what they think they are doing well and what needs work. I was hesitant to do this with some of my students, but it went surprisingly well. My students were excited to show off our “Proud Wall” where we hang assignments or things that they are proud off; kind of like a big refrigerator! I’m happy to have my first round of conferences under my belt and can’t wait to keep working with the kids so they can show more improvement as we go along!

Oh the Places You'll Go!

This is by far the most difficult post that I’ve yet to write. In all honesty, I have been putting it off and wondering whether or not to write it. However, to not write about this would be as if I’m hiding part of my journey when in fact what I want to do is write about the reality of my situation. It wouldn’t be fair for me to keep the hard things to myself just because I have difficulty writing about them.

Back in May when I was offered the position in my school, I was given a four month contract. Pilot Point was looking really low on numbers and it was unknown whether they would make the October count. It was mentioned that should I like it out here that there might be an opportunity for me to finish out the school year. However, if I chose not to that I could go back to NJ with a once in a lifetime experience to tell my grandkids about.

Insert the hard part here. From day one in Alaska, people have spoken as if I was going to be in PIP for the whole year. I haven’t shared it much, but I have been incredibly overwhelmed by the pressure that I felt from the beginning. I was just trying to adjust to the time difference and already my colleagues were making plans for the spring. It was with the best intentions, but at the same time, it was an added pressure. So how could I possibly let them all down when I knew in my heart that I was not meant to stay in Pilot Point past December?

While many of the reasons for which I came to this decision I would rather keep to myself, the main reason for my deciding not to stay was my mental health. When it comes down to it, I am lonely and in the village I am without a support system of any form. My off site colleagues and friends have been an amazing support system for me, but day to day, I don’t really have anyone to go to. This when added to the list of other factors just became too much for me. Could I stick it out and finish the year? Yes. Would it take a major tole on my mental well being? Without a doubt.

Coming to a set decision on whether to stay or leave was the hardest thing that I have ever done. How can I not feel defeated or as if I am quitting? Can I withstand another four months of this? What about the kids? How can I do this to my students? But can I do this to myself? Wasn’t it I who spoke of the need for structure and stability in their lives? How could I say that and then leave them? Day in and day out my head has been filled with these difficult questions. 

Feeling conflicted, I reached out to some family and friends, both in Alaska and in the lower 48. They were each able to give me some advice on how they had approached challenging decisions in their life. From there, I had to decide on my own what the best decision for me would be. After many pro and con lists, phone calls, texts, and emails, I had come to a decision. I told my boss at the cross country meet in September that I would not be able to renew my contract in January.

The moment I spoke those words to him, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I still feel guilt and sadness about my decision, but I knew that it was the right thing to do for me. I have yet to tell my community as I fear the backlash of my telling them that I will be leaving. While I have been told that my safety will not become an issue, I worry about what the reaction to my decision will be. The community has welcomed me, but I truly believe that I will lose what little support that I have out here when I tell them I won’t be staying. At the end of the day, even if they treat me kindly now, I am an outsider. Leaving their children will not be perceived well, and the consequences of my decision will most likely be trying for me. I would greatly appreciate prayers for the rest of my time in Pilot Point, especially for when I do tell the locals of my decision. 

Throughout inservice, my decision became public knowledge to some of my friends and colleagues. Their reaction though has been an overwhelming amount of support. It was without a doubt an emotional time at inservice as I realized that it would be the last time that I saw some of these people. Again, the guilt and the sadness set in, but then I thought of returning to my site and my decision remains steadfast. I came out here for a reason and I believe that I am meant to leave Pilot Point for a reason.

With that said, I had expressed to my boss that I would be interested in tutoring in the spring should they need an extra tutor. I felt that maybe if I were able to experience a bigger site or even a fully functioning one that things might be different. I had taken him off guard in my decision not to stay and I understand that while I had every right to my decision, that I would be making things tougher for him as he has to find two replacements for PIP. However, he was supportive of my decision as well because at the end of the day, everyone out here knows that being supportive or not-supportive can almost make or break a person.

Yesterday at inservice, Mr. Luthi sat down with me and told me of a tutoring opportunity in Nondalton which is a village up north. I wasn’t expecting him to present this to me during inservice and it happened quickly. I asked if I could have some time to make my decision and I have been given a short deadline in which I need to decide. The benefit of being at inservice was that I was able to talk to the principal and some of the teachers from Nondalton. Should I choose to tutor there, I will be staying with an older woman who in her own words promises not to “mom” me too much. I quickly told her that to be able to be “mom-ed” would be worth it. I have also had different conversations in the past with other teachers from that site and have really enjoyed visiting with them. My final talks of the day were to some of the teachers who are my age. Yes, there are people my age out at this site! I asked them different questions and from their responses, I feel as if moving to Nondalton would be the right thing for me. 

While it will have its challenges and struggles as any village does, I feel like this will be the experience that I deserve a chance to have. When it comes down to it, I really think that I got the short end of the stick as a first year teacher. I owe it to myself to get to experience a site where there is a great support staff who works together for the kids and to help each other. I love my district and I love Alaska, plain and simple. I miss my family and friends, but knowing that I will be able to see them over winter break will be great. I think it will get me through the tough times in my next placement. But at the end of the day, this is my journey that I need to take on my own. Similarly to deciding to come to Pilot Point, I feel in my hear that this is the right decision to make. I hope that you will continue to follow me on my adventures as I finish out my time in Pilot Point and begin my next adventure out in Nondalton!