Letting Go

A new "first day" with my pup! 

In a quiet Alaskan village, school started today. My kids found their way into new classrooms with new teachers or new groupings of students. While I will always call them my kids, they officially became someone else’s today. While some of them likely ran to school, others probably waited until the last minute to enter the doors. Ready or not, they found themselves at the start of a new year. As for me, for the first time in 20 years, I found myself without a classroom. Whether as a student or teacher, I have had a first day of school every year for all but 6 years of my life. Though some found this feeling after graduating high school or college, this is a new one for me. 

Celebrating a friend's
wedding in August

While I have been feeling a flurry of emotions throughout the day, they have not been the emotions I would have expected. Where I thought I would find sadness, I instead find relief. In place of regret, I find confirmation of a decision rightly made. Expected anxiety has instead been squashed by a release of a breath held for far too long. In finding my new normal and leaving behind the last chapter, I know that I first must truly close the chapter. I need to let go. You see, while Alaska brought me adventure, love, breath-taking beauty and so much more, it also stole from me. 

Here again, I find myself wondering how much to write, what depth to go into, how lightly I should tread so as not to paint a bad picture of a place I love so much. I would never undo my decision to move to Alaska or the decision to stay as long as I did. If time turned back, I would do it all again without hesitation. However, it wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies, sunshine and clear skies. With that said, and in order to let go so that I may move forward without resentment, I must admit that the circumstances I personally faced while teaching in Alaska drained almost every ounce of joy I found in my profession. I love my students, even when they tested my patience, and I miss them every day. I struggled with the decision to leave them and to break the consistency that they’d had. However, I knew that if I had chosen to return this year, that I would likely never have stepped foot in a classroom again. 

Love exploring new places

As it is, I struggle with fear of the unknown circumstances I may face within a new school. Will I be what my students need me to be? Will I be able to trust colleagues? Will I be able to speak openly without fear of my words being twisted? Will my administration support me and stand up for me? Will parents understand that I will become their children’s fiercest advocate? Will my days start and end in tears? Will I once again find the amount of love I had for this job? 

With these questions swirling around in my never-ending stream of thoughts, I began my search for teaching jobs close to our new home. When days turned into weeks of no solid leads, I first became discouraged. Then, however, came a day two weeks ago in which I had an interview and was offered a job within an hour; added onto that I was given only hours before they expected a response. I sat there weighing the pros and cons and prepared myself to settle for a job that I in no way, shape, or form wanted simply because it was a job. This day, my husband (how fun is that?!) came home to find me curled up on the couch somewhere between stress-napping and ugly crying. Sam reminded me that I had worked so hard in Alaska to save money in case I hadn’t found a comparable salary in the lower 48. We then talked about the fact that the prospect of a new job should not result in my earlier mentioned state of being. It was then I decided that I could not continue to do this to myself. I cannot continue to sign on for positions that will not lead to reaching my career goals or that will further lead to unhappiness just for the sake of finding a job. Where I first felt discouraged, I soon realized that God was protecting me from positions that would take more joy from me. 

One of my favorite
wedding pics so far

That day, I turned down the job and decided it was time to let go of what I felt was expected of me. I had to release the burden of my own too high to succeed expectations I have for myself and take steps towards finding happiness in my job again. Tomorrow, I finalize the process of getting approved to substitute teach within local districts, and I am excited. I crave routine and feeling like I have a purpose each day. The past few weeks have been restorative and have allowed me to see people and catch-up, but I NEED a daily routine and schedule. No, it is not a full-time contracted job and no I will not be in the same classroom everyday with kids of my own. However, it will open the doors for future positions and it will allow me to see where I actually want to be instead of me taking a job somewhere for the sake of having a job. Not only that, but it provides me with the release of that held breath. 

Fresh air & sunshine=soul medicine

I am continuing to learn the importance of loosening the reigns, letting go of control, and being more kind to myself. If a friend were in my shoes, I would tell suggest that find something they enjoy and allow themselves to pursue that because a big pay-check isn’t the most important thing at the end of the day. I would urge them to think of their mental health rather than meeting expectations they feel others hold for them. I would push them to try something new for awhile. If I would say these things to a friend, why not say them to myself? One day and task at a time, I am getting there. I am learning that self-love is just as important as love for others. I don’t think we can give the most of ourselves to others unless we nurture ourselves first. In nurturing myself, I am letting go of the heavy burden of past experiences and anxiety and starting fresh by letting in optimism and excitement. 

I hope you’ll continue to stick by me as I figure out what this new chapter will hold for me!