Processing, Prayers, and Positivity

Miss Paige sure was having a “Monday” today. From the moment she saw me this morning, Emily kept saying that I wasn’t acting like myself, and asking what was wrong. I continued to swear that yes I was fine, that yes I got sleep, that yes I had my morning coffee. However, as the day went by, I too noticed that I was having an “off” day, but I pushed through, feeling thankful that to know that this time next Monday I will be on the east coast, surrounded by family. Yet, when I got home from school, I just couldn’t shed this feeling of “off-ness”, this tired, sorrowful feeling; that is, until now. 

Throughout my teenage life and now into my adulthood, writing has been my go to in times of need. I journal almost daily, I write cards and letters to family and friends, and I do my best to keep up with my blog. There is an emotional release that comes along with each time I put pen to paper, or fingers to keypad, and tonight I am in desperate need of this release. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling grateful for the tears that are finally flowing as I type this. Sometimes in life, really bad things happen and we do our best to process them and move on. For me, writing helps to process and to express feelings that I cannot otherwise share, and so tonight I am going to share and process, so that tomorrow is not a “Monday” kind of Tuesday. 

As many people who read my blog also follow my Facebook postings, I don’t think I need to go into the specifics of the tragedy that occurred in a nearby village last week. However, for anyone who might not know, I will share that there was an airplane crash involving two students from our district, their father, and the boyfriend of a close friend of mine. Before there was official word of the crash, the plane and it’s passengers had been missing and a wide-spread search took place. As this happened during the school week, it was impossible and would have been unfair for us to try to keep our students in the dark. By the morning after the plane was listed as missing, students had come to school telling us who was on board and details that they were hearing through word of mouth, many of which were inaccurate. It was important for us to talk with our students and to be there for them should they have questions. 

As prepared as I thought I was for the questions and concerns that may arise, I was wrong. I was in the middle of a reading block with three students when one of them looked at me with such innocence and concern and asked a question that will forever make my heart ache. I was almost brought to tears when I realized that I didn’t have the answers to their questions. To feel helpless in the search and in comforting my friend was one awful feeling, but to be unable to answer the questions that my sweet young students were asking me was one of the worst feelings I think I will ever encounter. I think back to times in which I must have asked my parents questions that they were unable to answer, and can now sympathize with the sorrow they were faced with in being unable to answer them. 

Shaken, I decided not to join my students for our normal lunch routine, and was then able to, with Caitlin and Emily, reflect on the conversation that occurred during reading block. Later in the day, as I talked with one of our paraprofessionals, who is also a mother of four, I realized the pain that she was feeling as a mother. What we both agreed on was that we felt so shaken because it could have been anyone. It could have been me last week during my unsettling flight home from Pilot Point, or this para and her son returning from a trip to Anchorage. While we try to remind ourselves that driving down the highway is much more dangerous, I think the reality of having flight as our only true means of travel is what makes this hit so close to home. Yet, I truly believe in and have faith in God's plan and try to live my life knowing that he is in control. 

Similarly to what I experienced when my friend Ryan unexpectedly died this summer, I have again witnessed such unwavering faith since the search began last week. The family and friends of those who were on the plane have come together and have displayed inspiring grace in this difficult time. I admire the strength that I have witnessed, and I know that the families and friends, the community, our district, will make it through this. We will come together, we will listen, we will try to answer the hard questions, we will provide hugs, love, and comfort, and we will celebrate the lives of those that we lost. 

As people will do after any tragedy that they can connect with, I have since re-evaluated the way that I prepare for traveling by plane. I realized that yes, the extra layer can fit in my bag, that yes I can toss a lighter in my backpack, and that taking lint from the lint trap (a fire-starter) is not unreasonable. Much like packing an emergency kit for car accidents, flat tires, or snowstorms, it is equally important to have items packed when traveling on our small planes. In talking with my principal yesterday and hearing as he offered to help make me a survival kit, I suggested that we get the supplies to have our students that travel make them as well. I think in doing so, they will feel better, but they will also realize the importance of being prepared in the event of an emergency. 

The past week has thrown my already anxious brain into near panic everyday, but it has also shown me some really positive things. I have seen a community join together to offer help and prayer through the search. I have read about the incredible love that my friend and her boyfriend shared. I watched as our students came together today and put a lot of thought and effort into making cards to send to the students and staff in Port Alsworth. I read about the strength of the brother, and son, of those on the plane, as he and his volleyball team continued on in a tournament in honor of his younger siblings. I watched in awe as donations poured in to help provide loved ones with travel and memorial expenses, raising over $30,000 in the short span of 48 hours. Though a great loss took place last week, it did not cripple the community or our district, and I will continue to try to remember that when I am feeling helpless or when I just don’t have the answers. 

If I have learned one thing in my life, it is that this life is short and it is precious. I urge you to take the time to called loved ones, write letters, send texts, to just let the people you love know that you love them. To anyone reading this, please know that I love you for taking the time to read my posts and follow along with my life, though the good and the bad. 

For anyone wanting to help relieve the families of upcoming expenses:

*The original donation page set up for the travel and funeral expenses for the Bloms went over the $20,000 goal in just 24 hours. They have since created a separate fund to help the two surviving sons with their college expenses in order to help remove some of the future financial burdens this family might have to face. 

For anyone wanting to read more: 

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