 |
| Cessna enjoyed being out on Six Mile Lake |
After four years, I think you as a reader and I as the writer can agree that we have covered quite some ground together. Maybe you’re my parents or a friend or someone I’ve never met who stumbled across this blog. Regardless of how you came to follow along or how long you have been on this journey with me, we have had our moments together. You’ve read about the best and worst parts of village life and have gotten to see into my life through the pictures I include in each post. With that said, I thought I’d spend the next few weeks covering the transition from bush life to the "road system”. The transition does not come easily and brings with it a lot more emotion and anxiety than I had anticipated, so as always I am going to be as raw and honest as possible. With that said, the focus of “part 1” is going to be about friendships.
 |
| Exploring the tundra |
Not what you were expecting? Me either! But as my upcoming move draws near, I find myself becoming more anxious about my friends from home and how to go about re-inserting myself into their lives. It may seem silly and I myself feel that it’s a bit irrational, but I have this deep rooted fear that I will not belong or fit in with my friends from home. When I say friends, I don’t just mean those people that I rarely saw when I lived in New Jersey, but I mean those that I am the closest with and those who I spent the most time with, even my best friend since kindergarten. Of course, during my first three years I had gotten home for winter and summer breaks which had allowed me to visit with these people. I have written letters and tried to keep in touch on Facebook, but we all know how life goes and often if you are out of sight you become out of mind (and yes it is a two way street, I am also at fault). This past year has been the most challenging as not only did I remain in Alaska for winter break, but I missed more weddings than I care to admit and it has caused a lot of heartache. Not only have I missed weddings, but I have been away for birthdays, work celebrations, bridal showers, “friends-givings", and so much more.
 |
| Out on Lake Clark |
Don’t get me wrong, I understand that with each experience or moment I have missed out on at home that I have gained an incredible memory in this beautiful place or have grown in some way or another. I also try to remember the advice from my step-mom who has said time and again “these are ‘days’ and ‘moments’, some more important than others but single moments in time, and there will undoubtedly be more moments, more birthdays, more weddings, so much more that you’ll get to be a part of” (might have paraphrased a little, hope this gets the gist of your message Meg). The struggle now is determining how to go about having those moments. How do I reconnect with these people who I love but have lost touch with? Will I be able to fit in with them? Will they forgive me for the moments I have missed out on? Are they going to be willing to open up and allow me to hear about those memories? The scariest question I am faced with is, will they want me to be part of the new moments I’ll now be able to be involved in? Has too much time passed or have I missed too much? These thoughts and questions have been swirling around my mind on repeat these past few months, but even more so as my return gets closer.
 |
| Hooray for May! |
I know that some people do not truly understand how different life is here in the village or how few friendships you can form with so few people living nearby. To clarify, my current day-to-day friendships include Caitlin and Emily who I hang out with at least for one walk each night, Sam and I often have them as well as another teacher Cassie, and her boyfriend Jared, over for game nights every other week. The six of us have been a friend group for three years, knowing each other's lives more intimately than any average co-workers would. We have faced a lot together, but without a doubt all of our conversations revolve around the kids or end up involving the kids, as they are our lives out here. Aside from them, I have Sam and Cessna. While I appreciate these relationships more than I can describe in words, those are the sum of my friendships here. Sure there are friends in other villages, but just like those from back home, most of our communication is done through messages or Facebook. What I am trying to explain is that not only am I anxious about restoring friendships at home, but I am nervous about socializing and connecting with people in general. Once again, I feel that perhaps I can begin to make this transition easier by writing about it and getting my thoughts into words. Then again, maybe I am just rambling on and not making any sense.
 |
| Forever exploring! |
Luckily for me, I have a friend who has gone through a similar transition and was finally able to gather the courage to seek out her advice and thoughts on the matter. I had been going back and forth as to whether or not I should reach out to her when she happened to contact me and finally I felt that I could approach this topic. She helped put me a bit more at ease about it all, but I know that I will continue to have these fears until I am back in the lives of these friends. This friend, and a few other people, have reminded me that I must be patient with myself and my emotions as I transition back to “civilization”. I must ask now that you remain patient with me as there might not ever be another post about the transition, or maybe there will be 10. Who knows, because life can get busy but my emotions are, and undoubtedly will continue to be, all over the place. Either, know that as always, I appreciate you for reading along as I figure out this thing called life.
No comments:
Post a Comment