Oh the Places You'll Go!

This is by far the most difficult post that I’ve yet to write. In all honesty, I have been putting it off and wondering whether or not to write it. However, to not write about this would be as if I’m hiding part of my journey when in fact what I want to do is write about the reality of my situation. It wouldn’t be fair for me to keep the hard things to myself just because I have difficulty writing about them.

Back in May when I was offered the position in my school, I was given a four month contract. Pilot Point was looking really low on numbers and it was unknown whether they would make the October count. It was mentioned that should I like it out here that there might be an opportunity for me to finish out the school year. However, if I chose not to that I could go back to NJ with a once in a lifetime experience to tell my grandkids about.

Insert the hard part here. From day one in Alaska, people have spoken as if I was going to be in PIP for the whole year. I haven’t shared it much, but I have been incredibly overwhelmed by the pressure that I felt from the beginning. I was just trying to adjust to the time difference and already my colleagues were making plans for the spring. It was with the best intentions, but at the same time, it was an added pressure. So how could I possibly let them all down when I knew in my heart that I was not meant to stay in Pilot Point past December?

While many of the reasons for which I came to this decision I would rather keep to myself, the main reason for my deciding not to stay was my mental health. When it comes down to it, I am lonely and in the village I am without a support system of any form. My off site colleagues and friends have been an amazing support system for me, but day to day, I don’t really have anyone to go to. This when added to the list of other factors just became too much for me. Could I stick it out and finish the year? Yes. Would it take a major tole on my mental well being? Without a doubt.

Coming to a set decision on whether to stay or leave was the hardest thing that I have ever done. How can I not feel defeated or as if I am quitting? Can I withstand another four months of this? What about the kids? How can I do this to my students? But can I do this to myself? Wasn’t it I who spoke of the need for structure and stability in their lives? How could I say that and then leave them? Day in and day out my head has been filled with these difficult questions. 

Feeling conflicted, I reached out to some family and friends, both in Alaska and in the lower 48. They were each able to give me some advice on how they had approached challenging decisions in their life. From there, I had to decide on my own what the best decision for me would be. After many pro and con lists, phone calls, texts, and emails, I had come to a decision. I told my boss at the cross country meet in September that I would not be able to renew my contract in January.

The moment I spoke those words to him, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I still feel guilt and sadness about my decision, but I knew that it was the right thing to do for me. I have yet to tell my community as I fear the backlash of my telling them that I will be leaving. While I have been told that my safety will not become an issue, I worry about what the reaction to my decision will be. The community has welcomed me, but I truly believe that I will lose what little support that I have out here when I tell them I won’t be staying. At the end of the day, even if they treat me kindly now, I am an outsider. Leaving their children will not be perceived well, and the consequences of my decision will most likely be trying for me. I would greatly appreciate prayers for the rest of my time in Pilot Point, especially for when I do tell the locals of my decision. 

Throughout inservice, my decision became public knowledge to some of my friends and colleagues. Their reaction though has been an overwhelming amount of support. It was without a doubt an emotional time at inservice as I realized that it would be the last time that I saw some of these people. Again, the guilt and the sadness set in, but then I thought of returning to my site and my decision remains steadfast. I came out here for a reason and I believe that I am meant to leave Pilot Point for a reason.

With that said, I had expressed to my boss that I would be interested in tutoring in the spring should they need an extra tutor. I felt that maybe if I were able to experience a bigger site or even a fully functioning one that things might be different. I had taken him off guard in my decision not to stay and I understand that while I had every right to my decision, that I would be making things tougher for him as he has to find two replacements for PIP. However, he was supportive of my decision as well because at the end of the day, everyone out here knows that being supportive or not-supportive can almost make or break a person.

Yesterday at inservice, Mr. Luthi sat down with me and told me of a tutoring opportunity in Nondalton which is a village up north. I wasn’t expecting him to present this to me during inservice and it happened quickly. I asked if I could have some time to make my decision and I have been given a short deadline in which I need to decide. The benefit of being at inservice was that I was able to talk to the principal and some of the teachers from Nondalton. Should I choose to tutor there, I will be staying with an older woman who in her own words promises not to “mom” me too much. I quickly told her that to be able to be “mom-ed” would be worth it. I have also had different conversations in the past with other teachers from that site and have really enjoyed visiting with them. My final talks of the day were to some of the teachers who are my age. Yes, there are people my age out at this site! I asked them different questions and from their responses, I feel as if moving to Nondalton would be the right thing for me. 

While it will have its challenges and struggles as any village does, I feel like this will be the experience that I deserve a chance to have. When it comes down to it, I really think that I got the short end of the stick as a first year teacher. I owe it to myself to get to experience a site where there is a great support staff who works together for the kids and to help each other. I love my district and I love Alaska, plain and simple. I miss my family and friends, but knowing that I will be able to see them over winter break will be great. I think it will get me through the tough times in my next placement. But at the end of the day, this is my journey that I need to take on my own. Similarly to deciding to come to Pilot Point, I feel in my hear that this is the right decision to make. I hope that you will continue to follow me on my adventures as I finish out my time in Pilot Point and begin my next adventure out in Nondalton!